It was a typical day for us. My good and perfect gift had been doing so well at going to the park and not having a meltdown when we left that I had been enjoying it so much. We went to the park to have a playday. It was springtime and it was about 75 or so outside. A gorgeous day.
I had done all the right things to help my good and perfect gift transition well. We had talked about expected behavior at the park, expected behavior leaving the park. " Yes Mommy", "Yes, Mommy", would come his reply. I had my reward for him in my pocket. We had made 10 little stickmen out of tongue depressors. He collects these little stickmen when doing tasks that are hard for him to do. When he gets all 10 of them we go to the dollar store and he gets to pick something out with his own money that he earns for helping me at home with daily chores. It was all flowing so smoothly. I had given him his fifteen minute warning. His 10 minute warning,"Yes, Mommy " would come his reply, each time I gave him his warnings.Five minute warning. O.K. sweetheart
It's time to go. He had heard each warning and he knew it was time to go. The thing that happened next threw me into a whirwind of emotions that I was not prepared for.
My good and perfect gift ran away from me!! As far away from me as he could get. I began to run after him because my mind went to a dark place of him running out into the street and getting hit. I was not about to let that happen. I began to run after him hard and fast. Praying wih every breath I breathed out of my body. This child would only run faster! His adrenaline kicked in and he was gone!
After coming to a hill, Father , I thank you for the hills, It slowed him down enough for me to catch up with him and get a good hold on his body. He began screaming at me, be began kicking me and flailing his little body to wriggle out of my arms. I was so afraid of dropping him. I had put his cup in my mouth to hold onto it and would give it back to him once I had gotten him settled into the carseat. I had dropped it on the way. " Oh well,it's just a cup, I can purchase another one." My heart was pounding loud outside of my body. I was so angry with him. My adrenaline rushing and flowing along side of his. I could feel the eyes of every Mommy and Daddy there that day on my back,searing holes into my embarrased back. Them wondering "Why doesn't she just do something to make him mind?" I can feel the shame that there fingers would remark.
I feel a hand on my shoulder. A voice speaks to me, AD/HD? What? AD/HD? Sensory Integration disorder? YES!! Someone gets what is happening here!!
I had noticed her Christian T-shirt as my good and perfect gift was playing. I had said "Hello" to her and that's all. She said you put him down on the ground, you take one arm and I'll take one arm and we will do this together, Together!! Here comes the next wave of emotions. I too wanted to meltdown because I knew something holy was taking place right here in the parking lot! I had not asked for help. I had not prayed for help. God had already knew what kind of day I was going to have and he put the right person in place that I would need to help me get my good and perfect gift into his carseat. She helped me buckle him in all the while him kicking and screaming. She has him apologize to me, She asks him to ask for forgiveness. This is something he knows well. The giving and receiving of forgiveness. We practice this alot in our home. He mouths the words slow and with resistance but continues on. I forgive and kiss his little face. I shut the door and wait for her to come around so I can thank her. She tells me of her story. How she has 3 children each with different stories of their own and the emotional behaviors each one has. She mentions AD/HD, Sensory Integration Disorder and some other things. She tells me how her day had gone awry and how her plans had changed beyond her control. Of how she was not supposed to be here today. At this moment I want to fall into holy hands and praise him for his beautiful undeserved grace. GRACE!!
The unprayed for, unasked for, poured out GRACE for me.
Upon entering our home, I had my good and perfect gift go into his room and stay until I called for him. I had so many emotions that needed to be dealt with in the privacy of my room. I began to cry out, Is this really the road I must walk? How many times do I have to leave a place with child kicking and screaming in my arms? The onlookers just looking, not helping, just looking. I so want to scream "Somebody please help me!!" His voice comes back to me tenderly," Yes, this is the road you must walk." " I will be with you, I will not forsake you." I will gently lead you with your young." I crumble into a broken mess. Loving fully the good and perfect son he has blessed me with. But so scared at how to parent him at times. I too apologize to him for being angry with him for creating my only son with AD/HD. I too need to ask for forgiveness. He forgives quickly, comforts my heart and sets me back up on my feet. Now I can calmly talk to my good and perfect gift. Go and try to make sense out of all of this from his point of view. We sit on the floor talking. He gives love, I receive it. I give love. He receives it. I forgive as my Father had just forgave me and wipe his sin clean. Give him a new slate. I too rescue him.
Oh Father, I can't thank you for the unprayed for, unasked for, poured out grace, that you showed me on that day. I pray that you would continue to walk with me daily, gently leading me and my young, continuing to rescue me moment by moment. Grace upon grace. It is in the most awesome name of Jesus,my poured out Savior's name I pray Amen