He tells me I'm not the sweet little Lori that he married almost 20 years ago. He tells me I'm "always grumpy" with him. He tells me I'm nicer to everyone else outside our family unit. Has he not lived out the last five years of our married life together?
Has he not dealt with the same child I have dealt with? Has he not been to playdates where we have had to leave kicking and screaming? Litterally? Does he really not understand all I have had to do in the past five years to raise a child who has AD/HD ?
Does he not realize all the behavior charts we follow, behaviorial reward systems there are in place. The O.T. appointments I attend, The homework she sends us home to do. Plus homeschool in itself. Does he really not understand how all of this has shaped me and molded me and grown me into a different person than the one he married?
The answer is no. He really does not understand. I don't think he will ever understand the berevity of all of this. How worn down I really am. How exausted my spirit is. How my emotions are not as stable as they once were. Do I try to be nice? Sure, but am not perfect at it nor will I ever be. Do I pray for a softer heart? Constantly. Have I become somewhat calloused because of all the stress and daily challenges I go through? Absolutely. Wouldn't any normal person given the same circumstances? I am doing the best I possibly can to raise a godly son with my mind still in tact. Most days I feel like in the midst of rasing him I'm going to lose my mind.
His Daddy works and does not see what the Mom deals with daily. He could not possibly know. I try and explain and most times I get the old fashioned "deer in the headlight look".
I tell him that my old sweet self has packed her bags and did not leave her forwarding address. I can't change who I have become. I can pray and ask my Perfect Creator to change me, in hopes that he soon does. I don't know how to be any different than I am now. Counseling is helping me but still that forwarding address has eluded me for good. I am who I am now. I just want sweet hubby to love the me that I am now and not keep looking back for someone who does not exist anymore.
I feel all the efforts that I have been putting forth have been made in vain. All have gone unnoticed and unaccouted for. I know my Father has seen each sticky note of encouragement I have written and hidden in his suitcase for him to find when he has gone out of town.
I know my father has heard my mouth voice the "great jobs!", The I love you's, the accolades I give out daily to sweet hubby with not one in return. I know my Father sees the e-mails of encouragement I send to sweet hubby during his work day. I truly am reaching out to my Father to bring her back.
Maybe one day she will return, maybe not, maybe a better version of her will come along, I don't know but for now I will keep on trying to find her forwarding address.
Lord Jesus, you know where this sweet Little Lori went to, only you can bring her back. Would you do so? Would you somehow remove all the callouses that have smothered my heart and hardened me? You know I can't change myself from the inside out. I need you to perform open heart surgery on me. Will you do that now? In Jesus mighty, powerful name I pray, Amen.