My First Mother's Day Without My Mamma

She had said it right when she typed those words to me. I read them on the screen. "You will take many steps now without your Mom here but He will walk you through each one.
 I had dreaded it all week sort of just put it off because I knew I wouldn't be picking out a card for her this year.
                                             

 

I had needed to go to the store and simply walked right past the card isle.

 

 

 

 I did not want to face it that I would be spending my first Mother's Day without my Mamma this year. She loved Mother's Day Getting flowers and cards from her children. She loved it for more than that. She loves being a Mamma. She enjoyed being home with us even when the days did not go well and we all gave her a hard time. She enjoyed watching us grow into ourselves and stumbling along the way. She encouraged, nurtured, believed, and the one thing she did most of was prayed. Prayed for our well-being. Prayed we would make wise choices in life. Prayed mostly that we would love Christ and much as she did. Prayed she would get to see each one of her children come to know Him. I finally had to make myself just stop and go pick out my cards for my Grandmother and Sister. Eyes scanned a multitude of words talking about "How great you are Mom" and "thank you for all the ways you showed your love for me". With each card my eyes scanned I could feel the knot in my throat rising. Eyes beginning to brim and flow. With each stinging tear I wiped, I had finally managed to pick out the two cards I needed. I quickly rose to my feet hoping no one had seen the multitude of tears that flowed down. Who knew that this first Mother's Day was going to be so hard without her. There will be no phone call this year. I will not get to here her tell me how much she just loved her card. Instead these will be the type of flowers she will receive this year.

 

 

I visited her grave. The son was warm on my face. The wind was blowing my hair into my face as if my Daddy was using it to help wipe away every sad tear that found its way down my face. I placed her flowers there, talked of how I miss her and would give anything to see her, to hear her voice. good and perfect gift sits beside me puts his hand around my neck and tells me how he feels like me and misses her. I tell him how proud she was of him and how she would have been so proud of joy girl. We all were just so saddened that joy girl never got to see her grandmother. I know someday she will. I know you will like your flowers Mamma. They were your favorite color. We love you so much Mamma and look so forward to such a great reunion! Happy Mother's Day

 

It took me a while to post this. Was very hard for me to write. Thank you for grace

~ Lori